Indelible

eleanor brownn message

I had a dream last night. I guess it was kind of a nightmare. I was at a large speaking engagement. As I heard myself being introduced, I was overcome by the feeling that I didn’t have anything to say — or, at least, anything anyone in the audience would feel was important enough for them to listen to. I started to get sick to my stomach. Once again, I felt like I was not enough. It’s a feeling that has plagued me for most of my life. No amount of prayer, therapy, self-help books, or positive thinking has removed it. Maybe it’s just the path I get to walk. Or maybe one day it will heal. I have no way of knowing. I keep moving forward, anyway.

Which brings me to this blog, My Spiritual Sabbatical. For at least a couple of years, I’ve wanted to combine the writings here into a published book. But there’s so much I didn’t say as I wrote my way along the journey. Reading the entries is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. There were so many times my heart was breaking and I kept up a brave front — as much for myself, as for the reader. It was too raw, too painful to delve deeply into my heart and soul. So many times, I didn’t say all that could have been said, or reveal what could have been revealed. Sometimes it was out of fear of making myself too vulnerable. Sometimes, it was out of confusion; I was in the midst of the storm and didn’t know where I was going. There were so many tears and so much pain.

But I think there are those of you who read between the lines. I thank God for you.

After recently showing part of the manuscript to an editor for feedback, I now find myself torn between whether to do extensive rewriting to flesh things out, fix all of the grammatical errors, or leaving it the way it happened — messy, incomplete, confused, but real.

There is the illusion, too, that I must somehow resolve all of the grief and trauma of the last five years, answer unanswerable questions, and tie it up with a happily-ever-after ending for the reader. But that’s not how it is. I’m still in a transitional housing arrangement, still struggling with finances, my health is diminished since the car accident, I’m still suffering bouts of depression, and the road ahead is sometimes frightening and always uncertain. I can’t pretend otherwise. It hasn’t been all dreary, of course. Some incredible things have happened. Wonderful things. But that old feeling of “not enough” comes back to haunt me.

So… I’m moving forward with my production schedule! My goal to publish was Fall 2016. I think Thanksgiving Day would be a meaningful release date, since one of my biggest lessons over this journey was “Thank Him. Trust Him.” Living life always boils down to gratitude and faith.

My Spiritual Sabbatical is a story worth the telling, if only for myself.

9 thoughts on “Indelible

  1. ❤ you have been a consistent inspiration for me, I am very grateful for your vulnerability as I see myself and know that we are all in our path of our journey, I am also in pain, physically and more but my attitude of gratitude has been my lifeguard to stay afloat. Much love and more healing light of love for you ❤ Sarita

    Like

  2. Your candor sets the bar for authenticity. Your continued courage is inspirational. I hope millions of people blessed by your words realize…kind comments are not edible and won’t pay the rent.
    I look forward to PURCHASING “My Spiritual Sabbatical” and supporting all you do for others!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for your openness and honesty. You warm my heart with your authentic revelations. My journey gets heavy, confusing, and sad at times. Challenging health issues knock me down, but I choose to keep moving. Gratitude is always my first prayer of the day. Affirmations, too, empower me.

    Thank you for encouraging me to excavate my fears and engage in conversation with myself. Let the healing begin and I invite it to stay. Godspeed, Eleanor. Namaste’ Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Eleanor life is just like that, as you live longer especially 50 and beyond you will meet numerous unpleasant things while those things that use to excite you no longer satisfy you. Your soul will continue to yarn for other fulfilling events but they are not readily available on earth as you have constraints of time energy and resources. You try to read and note but it is never enough. However continue to meditate with gratitude, wish list and spiritual guidance. The guidance will always pick you up. When it does just hold on to the rope and do not let go. As for depression start with vitamins,exercise, meditation. If it fails to pick you up then seek medical help as it is an indication of your biological limitation. Sometimes if you recognize the depression it is enough to cope with its discomfort revert to gratitude, wishful thinking and further request from guidance. Your soul is strong enough to keep you going indulge in self doubt to appreciate how vulnerable you are but hold on to the moment when your soul picks you up. I appreciate your thoughts and I used to find it helpful. Am writing you this reply to give you chance to assess where I have reached as your disciple and confirm if am on the right track. I will be also be reassured if you find my comments are really of any use.

    Best regards from A U Sidi Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s