Holy Week(end)

Well, it’s Holy Week and I’m feeling about as unholy as I can be. I’m just not feeling the spirit. In fact, I’ve been questioning this whole “God-thing” lately. I want to believe. I do believe — most of the time. But I find myself wondering. I fell down the stairs a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been in a lot of physical pain since that time with my back and right foot. Nothing like pain to make a believer a little cranky.

So my God (if He’s up there) has a sense of humor. I have a daily devotional that I’ve owned since 1999, and I have a habit of writing in the margins. On March 26, 2011 (right after I had returned from Australia, Canada, and was headed to Fresno) I wrote “I see the loving hand of God in every area of my life.” Now, mind you, this was at one of the LOWEST periods of my life. I was probably writing it as an affirmation.

On March 26, 2013 (not long after the life-changing car accident when I was as sick as I’ve ever been) I wrote “Learn to enjoy the seeking, whether or not you find.”

And I think the whole deal with Holy Week (the original one) was about wondering if God was going to live up to doing what he promised. Something like that.

Those situations in 2011 and 2013 worked themselves out, and there was a blessing wrapped inside both.

Okay, God. I get it.

Again.

The Fig Tree

Eleanor-Brownn-The-Fig-Tree

Mrs. Farley was an old woman who lived alone in the house directly across the street from my family when I was growing up in South Los Angeles. She was blind and in a wheelchair. My mother would make me go over there to keep her company. I didn’t like it. The curtains were drawn, it was dark and it smelled funny. I was about 7 or 8 years old.

Mrs. Farley had a huge fig tree in her back yard. When the tree was heavy and the figs would begin to drop, I’d gather them up off the ground. My mother would make jars and jars of fig preserves that lasted us for months.

Mrs. Farley was a very sweet and gentle lady and, although I didn’t want to go over there, there was something about her I liked. Her husband had died in World War I. This was the late 1950s, which means she must have been fairly young when she became a widow. She was the first black person to buy a house on the block. My parents were the second. This was before I was born, but my mother would always mention that. It seemed important.

On a fairly recent visit to the Auto Club on Figueroa Street, I came across a huge fig tree that sits in the courtyard to the entrance. The roots were above ground, which is the way these trees generally grow, I suppose.

Mrs. Farley would usually suggest I share some raw figs with her before going home. They didn’t taste as good as the sticky-sweet preserves, but they were okay. She’d take out old photographs and tell stories. I was impatient, but polite.

Being a child, I had no perception of what it must have felt like to be a woman of a certain age living with her memories. Now, I do.

Preserve your memories.
They’re all that’s left you.

— Paul Simon, Bookends

Indelible

eleanor brownn message

I had a dream last night. I guess it was kind of a nightmare. I was at a large speaking engagement. As I heard myself being introduced, I was overcome by the feeling that I didn’t have anything to say — or, at least, anything anyone in the audience would feel was important enough for them to listen to. I started to get sick to my stomach. Once again, I felt like I was not enough. It’s a feeling that has plagued me for most of my life. No amount of prayer, therapy, self-help books, or positive thinking has removed it. Maybe it’s just the path I get to walk. Or maybe one day it will heal. I have no way of knowing. I keep moving forward, anyway.

Which brings me to this blog, My Spiritual Sabbatical. For at least a couple of years, I’ve wanted to combine the writings here into a published book. But there’s so much I didn’t say as I wrote my way along the journey. Reading the entries is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. There were so many times my heart was breaking and I kept up a brave front — as much for myself, as for the reader. It was too raw, too painful to delve deeply into my heart and soul. So many times, I didn’t say all that could have been said, or reveal what could have been revealed. Sometimes it was out of fear of making myself too vulnerable. Sometimes, it was out of confusion; I was in the midst of the storm and didn’t know where I was going. There were so many tears and so much pain.

But I think there are those of you who read between the lines. I thank God for you.

After recently showing part of the manuscript to an editor for feedback, I now find myself torn between whether to do extensive rewriting to flesh things out, fix all of the grammatical errors, or leaving it the way it happened — messy, incomplete, confused, but real.

There is the illusion, too, that I must somehow resolve all of the grief and trauma of the last five years, answer unanswerable questions, and tie it up with a happily-ever-after ending for the reader. But that’s not how it is. I’m still in a transitional housing arrangement, still struggling with finances, my health is diminished since the car accident, I’m still suffering bouts of depression, and the road ahead is sometimes frightening and always uncertain. I can’t pretend otherwise. It hasn’t been all dreary, of course. Some incredible things have happened. Wonderful things. But that old feeling of “not enough” comes back to haunt me.

So… I’m moving forward with my production schedule! My goal to publish was Fall 2016. I think Thanksgiving Day would be a meaningful release date, since one of my biggest lessons over this journey was “Thank Him. Trust Him.” Living life always boils down to gratitude and faith.

My Spiritual Sabbatical is a story worth the telling, if only for myself.